"Have it all", myth for women

Men can have a high flying career, have a doting wife, happy children and some can even have time for hobby at their 30's but there are almost no examples of such women not only in India but also abroad. Two months back I read through Sheryl Sandberg's Lean In and left a brief review, unlike my long thoughtful ones for other non-fiction works. It would make you think that I had not really delved into the topic of women at work and their need to focus on their careers against all odds. The reality is, that I was so much deep in thought and there were so many conflicting thoughts in my mind that I just couldn't pen them down.

Two months later I chanced upon Penelope Trunk's blog, which is one of the top blogs for career advice. She is also a serial entrepreneur who is married and has two kids. She is anti Sheryl Sandberg's choices, who is an inspiration of millions of ambitious women in the corporate end, across the world. 

Both these women have conflicting thoughts of how women should lead their lives. Penelope Trunk has even put forward her conflicting thoughts in a rather accusatory or negative way in some of her blogs for women like Sandberg or Marissa Mayer, CEO of Yahoo.

So what are these two sides of the coin that I have been referring to? Sheryl Sandberg and Marissa Mayer are two women who lead two of the largest companies in the world and definitely that cannot be done by having both great personal and corporate life. Sandberg paints out brilliantly in Lean In how to surge ahead in the corporate world by asking women to focus or rather lean in more towards their dreams of being in the top management of companies. She is right that women should fight for their dreams and the men behind them should support them. A classic example of Sandberg is about women who do not want to seat themselves in the center table or the executive table and how these opportunities should not be missed. I agree with her thought that many women step back in assuming responsibilities or going up the ladder even before starting a marriage or having a baby because they know they have to slow down eventually. I think it applies specially for women in our country where women are under constant social pressure to focus on family. For this reason I wish every ambitious woman in India should read Lean In in their mid 20s. However, be aware Lean In doesn't talk about or focus on the effects of such a career on one's family. An ideal supportive husband who puts his career out of focus and a self-raising child are certainly doubtful.  That is the one side of the coin.

The other side is Penelope Trunk's take which some of her own readers term as sexist, where she has openly quoted that according to studies made in US most women want to have a part time job once they have kids and hence media shouldn't celebrate Sandberg and Mayer as the icon for modern women. Trunk takes bringing up children pretty seriously, proof of it is in her decision to homeschool both her kids. Hence her side of the coin also seems very justified.

So if you are trying to flip the coin to decide which side is correct and who should be your icon to lead your life, remember there is always a 50:50 chance of getting either side and hence a 50:50 in getting all that you want. 

For career-focused women in India there are these choices:

1) Have joint family and leave your kids in the care of your in-laws or if you are lucky to be in the same city as your parents shift in the same neighbourhood and leave your kids with them. Some even opt for shifting their parents/in-laws to their city for a few years

2) Get a bai/aya to stay whole day or half-day in your house and let them take care of your kids

3) If you are lucky again, leave your kids with the creche attached to your office or else opt for the non-professional, over-crowded creche cum nursery in your neighbourhood.

While the first option is safe and nearly as good as you staying back to bring up your children, it is rare. I personally don't find it a viable and long term choice to make our parents relocate and introduce a turmoil in their life of constantly hovering between their place and ours. But then again many are not left with a choice and find it more comforting for their parents to make a adjustment, mostly for financial stability. The other two options are less fulfilling as no aya/bai or creche can give children the kind of environment for healthy growth of mind, that we can.

Between all this push and pull, I realize most women sometimes take a decision to accept that having it all is a myth and compromise either career or family, down the line. It may make you angry that such choices are not forced upon men but that's how it is. Many men in US are opting to take care of their children and stay back at home to assume the role of the care-giver but that doesn't solve the issue for us all but only selected women. Even for these men their life remain un-fulfilled once their children grow up and they don't need to spend as much time around them. 

So here's my conclusion, for women of my age who constantly seek out an icon to follow and the right path to walk in. There is none. A very minor chunk of women can have it all because we have been wired like that. I hate to say and even accept this but women have to delve into their minds and sort out how they want to etch out their lives. What will give you highest satisfaction or happiness. There is no point flowing with the wind of change and saying you  want to have a high-flying career when you keep on eyeing your ex-colleagues who seem so satisfied with their cute little kids. Vice-versa if having kids is not such an alluring thought for you and your spouse, then may be sketch out ways to concentrate more on your career than having that perfect life, like our last generation etches it out. 

One thing is for sure we women have to be stronger, more intuitive and thoughtful while leading our life whether we dedicate our lives to our families or our career.

Here's an article I found after I published my blog; story from the horse's mouth: http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/07/why-women-still-cant-have-it-all/309020/